“In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.”
I feel this SO HARD. My weight has been stable for a few years now, even slowly dropping over the last year. This coincides with my mental health journey. When I was depressed, isolated, suffering… there were absolutely times when eating was my only joy. “Get out of bed, you’ve got popsicles in the freezer!” No joke. There was a lot more at play there but this was definitely a major element in my weight gain. I struggled with compulsivity and impulsivity as well. Sometimes this was food related, sometimes drug and alcohol related. Sometimes I’m just relieved I survived that part. Thank Big Pharma for the dozen or so meds that saved my life. Feeling unworthy, unloved, out of control, and completely lost… I gained another 70 pounds on top of the 30 I had gained via the stress of new marriage, new house and new baby. This is another reason why shaming fat people does not actually help them lose weight. I was already full of shame, that’s *why* I was gaining weight. And I didn’t give a fuck that I was getting fat. In fact, deep down, I liked it. It felt comfortable and soft. People stopped looking at me, I felt hidden and safe.
“Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.
Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.
Anyway. Still. Despite.”
Today, I love my body because it survived what I put it through. I see the stretch marks, the saggy skin, the big belly, the scars, and they are all evidence of who I am, where I’ve been, what I’ve come through. It’s not easy to love it all the time but I do. I love my fat, old body.
Anyway. Still. Despite. Yes.