I have a lot to feel sad about today. I haven’t felt this kind of grief since Kerewin passed away. I know it sounds melodramatic but my hopes were just so high.
I’m sad because I wanted this for Hillary. She’s worked so hard. For decades she has been dedicated to making life better for women and children. She has taken SO MUCH SHIT from her opponents, I would never be able to stand under the weight of it but she did more than stand, she carried on. She deserved this and I am sad today that her chance is gone. I wanted this for her.
I’m sad because I wanted this for my children. The thought of my girls going through their formative years with a woman as President brings me to tears again just writing it. I wanted their reality to be different than what mine has been. I wanted them to KNOW that women are equal and that we can do great things. It means nothing if they don’t actually see themselves represented in those ways. I desperately wanted this for them. The pain of losing that hope hurts me so deep.
I’m sad because I wanted this for me. I wanted to believe that we could do it. I wanted validation. I wanted to live in a country where the best things about us are what is celebrated. Love, equality, empathy… these things would define us. Not hate, not racism, not sexism.
I’m sad because I should have done more. I am deeply ashamed that I did not work harder or speak louder. I phoned it in with a few donations and a post or two on Facebook. Never again.
I’m sad because so many people looked past the bullying and arrogance because they wanted to win.
They don’t mind that women are treated as props, that they are called cows and worse. They don’t mind that he brags about groping women without consent. I ran out of fingers when I tried to count how many times I’ve been groped without consent, how many times I was harassed and intimidated by men just like our president elect.
They don’t mind that he insulted a man who served his country and suffered at the hands of the enemy. They don’t mind that he mocked a person with a disability. That is utterly shocking. I’m used to misogyny, I’m used to racism and xenopobia, but here you have someone who will go so far as to insult a decorated veteran and mock people with disabilities and they don’t mind that.
They don’t mind that he wants to break treaties and torture people, that he will shrug at the idea of using nuclear weapons like “hey, maybe”. That he will break vital alliances. That he will kick out or intern Muslim Americans. They don’t care that he will repeal the ACA and leave those millions of people uninsured. They don’t care that he regularly has temper tantrums on Twitter. They don’t care that he is in cozy business dealings with Russia or that he looks up to Putin as a leader.
I could go on, of course. There is so much more. This is why I’m grieving today. Because even if you want to insist that you are not a bully or a racist or misogynist, by voting for him, you tell my children that it’s okay to be those things. I’m grieving because I’m left trying to explain to them how people they love could do that and I don’t know what the answer is.