Tonight I am going to just not be okay for a little while. I’ve grown used to being okay and it is such a ridiculously great place to be. But I haven’t been okay lately and I think tonight I will just let myself feel that. I am sad about my Kerewin. I still can’t believe she’s gone and every single day I miss her.
I have some uncertainty about our future. I’m nervous about Jedd’s new job and how it will impact our family.
I’m nervous about our girls’ education. Every day, I am nervous about them getting the education they need to do the things they want to do. I’m nervous that I haven’t given them everything they need and I’m running out of time! This will likely never end.
I’m nervous for my sister, I just want everything to work out, for her to pull this off, this impossible thing that she should never be able to pull off but that she does because that is who she is. She pulls things off. But now she has us to help. I just want for her and my nephew to have the security they need and deserve.
I’m nervous for my other sister, two kids! That will be such an adjustment! I’m literally terrified that something might happen to her, I’ve had nightmares about this since we were kids.
I’m nervous about my friends. When I got better, I slowly started making friends. I now have a handful of very close friends plus a multitude of other wonderful people I am proud and lucky to call friends. But this handful, this three in particular, they are different. They are three people who I know and who know me. People who just love me and accept me in a way I’m not used to. And it makes me nervous. Being close to people is new for me. Being myself with people is new. I’m simultaneously amazed and terrified that they accept me as I am. Every time I think about it I get wigged out. It’s not even fear that they will abandon me, it’s just this weird anxiety that I cannot define. Maybe it’s scary just being KNOWN. I could give and give and never get anything in return and that would suit me fine. It’s the getting in return that always weirds me out.
These things are all happening, and tonight, I’m just not okay. But at the same time… I’m actually really okay. My “not okay” is so different now. Maybe now there is never a “not okay” that should cause anyone who loves me to fear for me. Maybe now there is never a “not okay” that might last too long and impact too much. Maybe now there is never a “not okay” that will result in self harm.
So tonight I sit up so late and I feel this “not okay” knowing that it is okay. It’s okay to have a “not okay” night. To sit up so late, to drink beer and eat ramen and to admit that I’m not so okay. Because in the end, I’m not okay, I’m actually good.