I’d be just fine with the infrequency of my posts if I didn’t feel so awkward every time I tried to post something new. It’s like having a newish friend that you really enjoy but the two of you just don’t see each other very often so each time you extend an invitation you wonder if your friend is thinking, “Why does she even bother if she’s never going to talk to me anyway?” The nerve!
I guess if you’re still around after (has it really been this long?!) two months I can just assume you are comfortable with the weird gaps of time. Just promise me this, if you think I need to be putting more effort into our relationship you’ll tell me. At which point we’ll have definitely crossed some weird line. I maybe already did that here.
I’ve got some new links for you! See? I’ve been here the whole time! You just didn’t see me because I was hiding in the bushes. How many creeptastic analogies can I come up with in one post?? Please don’t tempt me!
I found this blogger yesterday and have to share one of his older posts.
When I was really sick and had a fever and dying my father would look at me and then over at the Grim Reaper hanging out just waiting for me to die! die already! and decide it was time for me to have a drink called “Poonce” or “Pownce” but he would say it in a French accent which was appropriate because it made it sound like it was authorized as part of the Geneva Convention.
“Poonce” was made of the following ingredients:
1) HOT Water
2) Orange juice
3) FUCKING MOLASSES WTF
4) Booze. Lots and lots of booze.
5) Probably more booze.*
The whole post is hilarious, you should definitely check it out. When I was a kid in the 80’s my mom was pretty crunchy. We used to eat Bear Mush which is basically just the health-food-store version of Cream of Wheat. We ate this hot cereal with carob chips melted in it. Yep.
Unfortunately, our homemade remedies did not include booze but they were definitely interesting. We had some cold medicines (and to be fair, may have had more if I didn’t occasionally sneak into the cabinet to drink the yummy orange one…) but there were always holistic measures taken first. For bronchitis there was castor oil poured on your chest, then a 100% wool cloth on top of that, presumably to keep you awake with the itching so as to avoid too much time under the castor oil, all topped off with a heating pad. I don’t think I even heard of vapo-rub until I left for college. Of course we also had Echinacea (I cannot adequately describe the awfulness that is puking up 8 herbal tablets) and this crazy stuff that was so, SO gross.
Do I even need to mention the algae phase? No? We also saw a doctor who may have just played a doctor at work, I don’t really know. He had his nurse give us a eucalyptus shot in the ass any time we came in with an infection like strep or bronchitis. Good times.
Did your parents booze you up like Rod’s? Or were they more like the Windex dad in that Greek Wedding movie and they just made up their own weird shit using whatever was already on-hand? Did you grow up crunchy and eat jalapenos to make it easier to get down the morning glass of carrot juice? Was your family like Chris Rock’s with Robitussin being the cure for everything?? “Run outta ‘tussin? Put some water in there and shake it up. More ‘tussin!”
Bigger and Blacker is one of the funniest stand-up routines you will ever watch. Fair warning though, it is NSFRIR. That’s Not Safe For Religiously Inclined Relatives for those of you who can’t read internet (or my made-up acronyms). So don’t tell them how funny it was unless you want them to suggest that they rent it so you can all watch it together. It will be awkward.