OMG. TMI. WTF.

***Consider yourself warned.  This post contains major TMI***

It probably comes as no surprise that I am a fan of the Fat Acceptance movement.  Parts of it anyway.  The public shaming of the overweight is out of control.  The whole country has this concern troll thing going on where they are “just worried about your health!”  When in reality, they are just grossed out by us fatties.  There is, of course, a real crisis happening but it revolves around our food sources, drugs and poverty, not overweight individuals.  Two great quotes I heard this week:

“Shame is a tool of oppression, not change.” ~Lindy West

“You cannot hate someone for their own good.” ~Kate Harding

Until we address the overwhelming problems involved in what we eat, we cannot expect the obesity problem to resolve itself.  We can’t embrace fake foods and corn subsidies and the lack of fresh food available to the poor and then turn around and shame each individual person regarding their food choices.  We all created this problem.

So I love the Fat Acceptance movement.  But.  Also.  I can’t accept my fat.  Many of the FA activists are okay with this, they think it’s good if someone wants to lose some weight for their own health or comfort.  There are also those who will rip you a new one the minute you mention the word “diet”.  There are crazies in every movement I suppose.  If you don’t want others to care about your fat body, why do you get to care about what I’m doing with mine?  So I love the movement, I love the idea of loving your body no matter what.  But I can’t do it.  I’m not one of those healthy fat people.  I eat crap, I drink a lot of alcohol, I don’t exercise and I’m at a very high risk of developing Type 2 diabetes.  So…I accept your fat and if you love yourself I’m envious and proud of you, sincerely.  Just how much I hate my own body has become crystal clear in these past few months.

Sometime around October of last year I started having some digestive problems.  Namely, diarrhea.  Every.  Single.  Day.  I don’t have stomach cramps, just a severe urgency.  After I lost two pairs of underwear to sneezes I consulted Dr. Google.  In January I started feeling nauseous and bloated almost all the time but especially after eating.  I’d bet my last bottle of wine that I have IBS.

Around this same time, my depression rather suddenly lifted.  My anxiety is out of control but I’m just SO RELIEVED to be out from under the Crushing Blue.  This meant I was also less prone to overeating.  My daily intake from that point has been coffee, water, soda and gatorade with the occasional small meal thrown in.  In January I finally stepped on a scale, expecting to be the same or heavier.  Instead I was down by nearly 15 pounds.  Which made sense because I had gone down a pant size (not the quickest fish in the pond, I know).  Since then I’ve lost another 4 pounds.

So I’ve put off seeing my doctor because I hate my body enough that I would prefer to feel sick and get the weight off than to solve the problem.  I’m seeing my doctor today for what seems to be nerve pain and I will be bringing this up, however, I fully expect to only pretend to follow his advice.

So I know this is somewhat fucked up but how fucked up is it?  Because, while I recognize the bit of crazy involved, I feel like there’s logic involved as well.  I mean, look what people put themselves through on The Biggest Loser or by having weight-loss surgery.  Not healthy, right?  But still acceptable as a means of weight loss.

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About Just Vegas

I'm a 30-something married SAHM which means the nightmare scenario that plagued my early 20's has become reality. Funny thing is, I kinda like it. I have 3 lovely daughters who are educated at home and at a part-time alternative school. I love animals and I love people (in the general sense, not everybody all the time). I have no income to speak of, I'm not crafty and I hate cooking. My skills include reading the internet, watching tv on the internet and conversing with people on the internet. I'm an armchair philosopher, spiritualist, agnostic, feminist, liberal, activist, political pundit and tv critic.
This entry was posted in Confession, Musings, Navel Gazing, PTSD is a bitch, Shedding and Shredding. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to OMG. TMI. WTF.

  1. Swistle says:

    I know just what you mean.

  2. sharon says:

    The problem with any kind of “dieting” is that it’s not sustainable. I know. I’ve lost the same 40 pounds at least a dozen times. I’m now 60 pounds over my weight from 8 years ago, which was still way too high for me but at least I was moving in the right direction.

    Yesterday a patron returned a book titled “Women, Food, and God,” and I snagged it before it went back to the shelves. The jacket flaps says, “The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God. ” I have high hopes that this book is going to open my eyes to finding the core of my problem with food. Yeah, there have been dozens of such books, but maybe this time will be different.

    • vegas710 says:

      When women stop hating their bodies : freeing yourself from food and
      weight problems / Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol Munter.
      I’m picking this one up today, it was recommended in the comments on Lindy’s post.

  3. Christie says:

    good post. it’s crazy, yes. but i get it. there is a large (groan) segment of us that are just not genetically predisposed to having or maintaining “the perfect body.” It gets old. I completely agree with the root of the problem of the dreaded “obesity epidemic.” All of the hype makes the solution sound so easy, but when you’re just trying to put food on the table – 9 times out of 10, at least for us – processed crap wins. My Dad always said that it’s important to accept yourself. I think he mostly tried – but then again, he’s a guy. Most guys I know don’t seem to struggle with self-loathing nearly as much, especially not because of their figure. Anywho – i like you, and I’m glad you like me. I would love for you to do what’s healthy for your body and take care of yourself, but I get it. At least you’re going to the doctor! That’s a step. big happy hugs! 😉 love you.

  4. Suzanne says:

    It is so funny to me that we have equated “health” with “thinness” so much that we would rather be sick and skinny than well and fat. I mean, I know what you mean, I still struggle with some disordered eating and exercise issues. But here’s the thing. I had my yearly physical (for me every 5 years) and my blood work done. Cholesterol, perfect, liver enzymes, perfect, every blood thing they check you for, I’m perfect. I have perfectly low blood pressure, I have no chronic illnesses of any kind. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I eat very well. I’m by any definition a healthy person. My weight however puts me into the borderline between overweight and obese. So, OMG I AM GONNA DIE OF HEART DISEASE AND DIABETES! Except, again, not really likely… most people in my family, especially the women, live to be in their late 90’s. We die of old age surrounded by friends and family. My tall skinny normal weight husband on the other hand? Skyrocketing cholesterol, family history of heart disease, high stress type A personality. His people either drop dead of heart attacks at a fairly young age or have a stroke and linger painfully until the end. I try and keep him calm and healthy, but unless I get hit by a truck, someday I will be a widow. But I assure you, everyone looks at us and thinks HE’s the healthy one.

    To my point, and I do have one, it requires a fundamental shift in thinking to start being truly concerned about your HEALTH, your real health. Not your pant size or your weight. Taking a walk because you want some fresh air and to loosen up your muscles, not because OMG SWIMSUIT SEASON. In our fucked up society no one makes money when we are healthy and happy, we are instructed at a young age (especially girls) to be unhappy, thinner thighs, smaller tummy, “a new you”! How come the “new you” isn’t about learning French or how to install wiring? It’s always conflated with our bodies, a never ending struggle to lose weight, to be smaller, to make ourselves take up less space. I won’t ever let anyone tell me, or tell my daughters that we are less than for any arbitrary numbers game. I ain’t playing.

  5. LRA says:

    OmG!

    I am so shamed by my previous comments about gluttony versus sexual sin on MPT’s blog earlier!

    I hope that you know that I don’t actually think that people of large size (my family included) are people that I don’t respect or love! I just get mad at them when they try to impose a certain kind of sexuality on me without considering their own “Biblical” issues.

    Sorry again!!!!

    *hugs!*

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