In My Heaven

It will be fifty degrees every night and seventy every day.  Twice a year it will snow.  It will be a foot deep and last three days.  When it melts it will not flood your basement.  It can rain ohhhh, about 25% of the time.  Every animal makes it to heaven and they are all peaceful as the carnivores and omnivores have all turned vegan.

There will be bacon trees, chocolate streams and cotton candy clouds.  There will also be lush green forests, majestic mountain ranges (it can be snowy up there for skiers) and beautiful lakes full of fish and turtles.  You don’t have to cook or clean or garden (unless you’re into that) but there is plenty to keep you busy.  The greatest libraries you’ve ever seen (with those cool rolling ladders).  Free, unlimited music downloads.  Same-day Netflix delivery.  Gyms where you can work out but never get sweaty and you can actually read while you use the elliptical.

Anything you’ve ever wanted to do but were too afraid?  It’s all there.  Mountain biking, bungee jumping (eek!), skydiving, base jumping.  You can’t die OR get hurt so it’s all good.

Everyone’s a liberal (because DUH, God’s a liberal) and every woman can bear as many (or as few) children as she wishes – with or without her partner’s consent.  There is no marriage, if you want to be with someone forever you just be with them forever.

There will be beer and cigarettes but you won’t have lungs or a liver to bother with.  Nobody will steal, rape or kill because they all have everything they need.  Drugs are a non-issue as they grow on trees and there is no crime because there is no law.

Everyone has the voice, accent and body they always wanted but everyone chooses to be a little soft because sex isn’t a selling point, women aren’t for display and hey, cuddling is nicer when you’re soft.

There will be a No Anchovies and plenty of Kenny Rogers chicken.  Joss Whedon owns the networks (Firefly is in it’s fifth season!) and Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart do the news (but not together).

And oh yeah, flying cars.


About Just Vegas

I'm a 30-something married SAHM which means the nightmare scenario that plagued my early 20's has become reality. Funny thing is, I kinda like it. I have 3 lovely daughters who are educated at home and at a part-time alternative school. I love animals and I love people (in the general sense, not everybody all the time). I have no income to speak of, I'm not crafty and I hate cooking. My skills include reading the internet, watching tv on the internet and conversing with people on the internet. I'm an armchair philosopher, spiritualist, agnostic, feminist, liberal, activist, political pundit and tv critic.
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8 Responses to In My Heaven

  1. sharon says:


  2. Mario Saccoccio says:

    From the movie, “Parenthood…”

    [Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
    Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
    Gil: Oh?
    Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
    Gil: What a great story.
    Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

  3. Christie says:

    grin. and can we already know how to dance, have rhythm and not be so self-conscious?! 😉

  4. Susan says:

    Sign me up. I’m in.

  5. Emily says:

    Sounds wonderful!

  6. Jac says:

    Reserve a spot for me.

  7. Carissa says:

    Oh, I am totally going to YOUR heaven.

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