So many days I feel like just giving up. I want to live alone and lose myself in books and bottle. This road is HARD. The hardest part is wondering why. Is it just some random genetic thing that causes this or is there something I’ve done or could do that would release me from depression’s grip.
My kids deserve better. My husband is holding everything together and I honestly don’t know how he does it. In my darkest hours I know I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve him and my kids don’t deserve a lousy mother like me. They deserve a mom who is always present yet I frequently disappear into myself. They deserve a mom who does activities and takes them places. Just getting them fed and dressed drains me.
But I never give up. I’m working hard to get better and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The endless med changes, the weekly therapy, weekly EMDR… Last night I did EMDR at home for the first time and it worked marvelously. I’m so relieved to have this tool. I know I can be the best mom for my kids, I just have to get there.