My Kids Deserve Better

So many days I feel like just giving up.  I want to live alone and lose myself in books and bottle.  This road is HARD.  The hardest part is wondering why.  Is it just some random genetic thing that causes this or is there something I’ve done or could do that would release me from depression’s grip.

My kids deserve better.  My husband is holding everything together and I honestly don’t know how he does it.  In my darkest hours I know I don’t deserve it.  I don’t deserve him and my kids don’t deserve a lousy mother like me.  They deserve a mom who is always present yet I frequently disappear into myself.  They deserve a mom who does activities and takes them places.  Just getting them fed and dressed drains me.

But I never give up.  I’m working hard to get better and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  The endless med changes, the weekly therapy, weekly EMDR…  Last night I did EMDR at home for the first time and it worked marvelously.  I’m so relieved to have this tool.  I know I can be the best mom for my kids, I just have to get there.

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About Just Vegas

I'm a 30-something married SAHM which means the nightmare scenario that plagued my early 20's has become reality. Funny thing is, I kinda like it. I have 3 lovely daughters who are educated at home and at a part-time alternative school. I love animals and I love people (in the general sense, not everybody all the time). I have no income to speak of, I'm not crafty and I hate cooking. My skills include reading the internet, watching tv on the internet and conversing with people on the internet. I'm an armchair philosopher, spiritualist, agnostic, feminist, liberal, activist, political pundit and tv critic.
This entry was posted in PTSD is a bitch, The Babies. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to My Kids Deserve Better

  1. Beth says:

    Keep working hard! You’re a great mom and your kids are wonderful, smart, and beautiful. You can’t tell me you haven’t played a huge part in that! Chin up and keep on chugging along! ❤

  2. Jac says:

    I’ve been thinking about you. You keep fighting and that is admirable. It’s really cool that you can do EMDR on your own. I didn’t know that was possible. Maybe some day I’ll try EMDR.

  3. Swistle says:

    I think it’s so dumb they waste the expression “Because you’re worth it” on hair color, when it is so much more apt for situations such as this.

  4. Susan Campbell says:

    What Swistle said. Amen.

  5. Mario Saccoccio says:

    Your kids don’t care if you take them places. They just want you near them. Mom’s are special and so is your husband. You’ll be fine, kiddo! Everything in it’s time. You are loved by many and just like the Wizard said, “A heart is not known by how much it loves, but by how much it is loved by others.”

  6. Jt says:

    Said it once, I’ll say it again. “Your cookie dough. Your not done baking. Your not finished becoming who ever the hell it is your gonna turn out to be. You make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, you turn around and realize your ready. Your cookies.” In the meantime…you are the best thing for these girls and for me.

  7. Heather says:

    because you care about being the best mom & wife you will be. It is those who don’t care that never become what their families need. I love you and know that you are in the process of finding that strong person that is inside. I love you and continually lift you up in prayer.

  8. Emily says:

    One day you will see the Sarah everyone else sees! She is an amazing mother, sister, friend, and wife. I admire you as a mother so much and only hope that I can be half the mother you are to your girls. You are one of the kindest and most giving people I know and I’m proud to have you as my sister. Everyone that meets you tells me what an awesome sister I have. You are one of the strongest and most intelligent people I know. Are are such a huge part of who I am today and I would not be the person I am without your unconditional love and support.

  9. leftover says:

    HI VEGAS!
    You just saved me a bunch of typing at Susan’s blog. I’m sorry I don’t stop in more but my computer time is so limited and with midterms coming up…well….so many sites to troll….so little time…..
    You know I love you…right? And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. (I stole that from Susan.)
    Don’t ever give up. I still fight. I win…most days. When I don’t…I try to stay away from blame and keep working. Keeps me sober.
    I know people that claim great successes with EMDR. I hope it works for you.
    Don’t ever give up.
    It gets better.
    Time. It takes time. I hate time. Always either too fast or too slow. Never just right. Inescapable. Like gravity.
    Don’t ever give up.

    • leftover says:

      …oh yeah….and on the “deserve better” part….
      I’m going to seriously doubt that…Every parent I’ve ever known thinks that…all the really good ones do….from time to time.

      Don’t give up.

    • vegas710 says:

      I don’t get it. How did I save you bunch of typing? And thanks, it helps to have friends like you.

      • leftover says:

        Susan’s post on Mama Grizzly conservative feminists…or feminist conservatives…when I saw your comment I remembered a comment I submitted here to a similar post, found it and copied it for Susan’s blog.

        And you’re welcome.

  10. Jac says:

    I feel like giving up sometimes, too. Is it ok to admit that here? (I’ve got no where else to say it.) It’s hard work to fight off depression. For me, it’s like I have to distract myself from feeling it and when I don’t do that, it hits hard. I have hope that brighter days are ahead for me and for you. I’m really encouraged to read that EMDR is helping you. I think everything you’re doing will move you in the right direction.

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